Getting there...

The job is going better. I'm on nights now and it's a little slower. The days routine was really frustrating for me with the constant interruptions. I think it would be beneficial in this job to be a bit ADD. I'm a very focused individual and can't handle interruptions very well. I wish I could multitask better, but I get confused as to what I was doing. I've even started charting and then been interrupted and can't remember what I was charting.

I also think I struggle with PTSD because of some of the weird things that I walked into during my first weeks of orientation: Massive Vaginal bleed from a 90-year-old woman (very unexpected when she has been fine and all of a sudden her bed is SOAKED with blood!) A man just transferred from CCU with chest pain (I gave him some ice water and he clenched his chest---a STAT EKG showed he was truely having a heart attack! so back to the unit with him after having him for only 5 minutes) Using Narcan not once, but TWICE in a week (wish PACU would wait until the patient actually meets criteria before transferring to the floor, DUH, instead of sending them to me breathing 5 breaths per minute).

Anyway, I've always needed some time to process things in my head. Day shift is not a good shift for someone who needs to process. Night shift, so far, has been a little bit better. I don't cry everyday anymore before going to work, which is a good thing for my poor husband. I'm hoping I'm getting the hang of it. My preceptors say I am doing well, but I need to work on my confidence. I am feeling more like a nurse now, anyway.

Lord, if this is your will for me, I pray I will start feeling better about this job. Otherwise, I pray you will gently show me where you would have me go. I also lift up T to you. Her appointment is Monday, and some good news would be appreciated! Amen, and Amen!

New Job

OMGsh! It is so much harder than it looks! Med/Surg nursing is kicking my butt. Day shift is insane! I have one more week on days and then I start nights. Please, O Father God, I pray that you will bless me. Bless my hands and bless my thoughts. Bless my patients. I pray that I will be a blessing to them. I ask your protection over all of us as I care for your people, Lord. I pray that I will be organized and have clear thinking. It would be a blessing, Father, to represent you in an excellent way. I also ask for healing for T. I pray that you would sing healing over her bone marrow. Please, Lord, show her your goodness in a way she will understand.

Thank you for letting me spend time with C this weekend. What an incredible young man my son is turning out to be! He voiced a desire to get into ministry! Amen and Amen!

Thank you, Father, for all you've given me.

I am...a prisoner of hope.

Update

Can't believe it's been so long since I've posted! Lots has happened since then. I graduated nursing school, made myself crazy studying for the NCLEX, and PASSED THE NCLEX! I'm officially an RN! I start work a week from today at a local hospital. On the Med/Surg floor. I'm excited.

Also, Carson starts college in a couple of weeks. We went shopping for his dorm room today and had a lot of fun together. I almost cried because I don't feel like I've had enough time to teach him all the stuff he needs to know to be a grown up. Lord, please watch over him. He's Your son, too!

BLAH!!!

I don't get it. This is supposed to feel different. I've been waiting for so long for spring break. It started early for me, even. I scored high enough on the HESI that I do not have to take my final next Monday. The sun was shining (a rare sight as of late). Softball season has begun. (so happy husband and daughter :) All was well and then.....BAM! The stupid cell phone rings as I am driving home from my last clinical day of the quarter. It's T's doctor calling to tell me that her platelets have gone down... again. It's below the magic number. (It's supposed to be at least 50,000 in order for her to play softball. It's now at 40,000). Great! Wonderful! Now what? The doctor says she can play (I can tell she's not too happy, but we are talking about a sophomore in high school who just wants to do what her friends are doing). "Let her play, but have her be careful". So it continues.

I'm tired. I need just a stress vacation. I have so much stuff going on in my head right now and I can't escape. Will next quarter be as hard as this quarter? Will it even be worth it if there aren't any jobs out there? What about....? Oh, and what if...?

And then there's Carson. His last year of high school! Where has the time gone? Where is my little boy? I feel like he has been neglected. (which he probably feels is a good thing, being 18!) I have such great mommy guilt! I am missing the time in my life when my kids were small and I was just a stay-at-home mommie! Life was so simple back then. Everyone was healthy. Oh, the regrets!

Will getting all of this off my chest make it all better? I doubt it. But I don't really feel like I can vent out loud, so this will have to do.

Please, Lord. Show us we are on your radar! I pray healing and peace in my home. Thank you for your kindness to me. I sure don't deserve it! Protect my family, Father. In Jesus' Name!

FRUSTRATED

T had her appointment today and her platelet counts went down again, but not as drastic as last time. The doctor jumped her dose up to a big dose (READ: Side effects include MASSIVE body hair growth, which is AWESOME since she is 1. A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL! 2. IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!Isn't High school hard enough without having to deal with this lovely problem?)

I am so frustrated right now. Also, she is scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy next week. Do you understand me???? We were this close! this close to being done. I am trusting God, but man, am I frustrated. The doctor read new research from Italy (since this disorder is so rare). She is encouraged that this will work better. I don't really know what to think right now. I am so very frustrated (I know I keep using that word). It would be such a blessing if we didn't have to worry about this anymore. We pray for a life-long remission for our daughter. She wants so desperately to be "normal". Who doesn't want health and happiness for their children? Aren't mommies supposed to be able to make everything better? Please, Lord. Speak to me! I am desperate for you.

Scripture Card #2, January 15, 2009

"In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul" Psalm 94:19

Here we go again!

Tomorrow starts a new quarter for nursing school. (My second-to-the-last!) I pray that I can remember that I am a Christian first, a wife and mother second, and a nursing student THIRD. My priorities have been messed up in the past. Nursing school in itself stresses me out, but when I put it before everything else in my life, it overwhelms me! I am hopeful that I can keep my 2009 resolutions:

1. Memorize 2 scriptures per month
2. Relax more
3. Stress less (my POOR family)
4. Complain less (I'm just telling you, my POOR family)
5. Point to Jesus more! (I am flat-out disappointed in my behavior sometimes).
6. Lose the weight that I've gained since nursing school began! (Hense, the new "Flat-Belly Diet" book that I bought with some Christmas money). Because, you know, we have a Hawaii trip planned for June, LORD willing.

So far, so good on that one. The book is easy to follow, and I'm not starving. HOWEVER, school starts tomorrow, and I am definitely a stress-eater!

Tay has a doctor's appointment on the 21st, and I am just giving it to the Lord. He knows her innermost being. She looks like she feels good, and she has had some bumps from softball that have not left horrible bruises, so I am hopeful...

Scripture Card Jan. 1 2009

For 2009, I have commited to memorize 2 scriptures a month with the LMP blog (Beth Moore's blog) Here is my first one:

He is your constant source of stability; He abundantly provides safety and great wisdom; He gives all this to those who fear Him." Isaiah 33:6 NET

I need to remember that the LORD is my source of stability! I need HIM SO BADLY!

It is so hard to be the mother of an ill child and wanting so much to rely on the doctors and medicines, but ultimately knowing that the LORD is the one who heals according to His will. Of course, I want her healed immediately, yet it's been four and a half years. Some days I give up hope almost. I try to remember that He is never late and it's my job to be a prisoner of hope...

Lord, I am not forgetting that You love her even more than I do. Please don't forget us down here! I am weak. Forgive me for my unbelief. I can't do this without you, My Precious Savior!